City attorney Harvey Bryant says that we won't know if it is illegal until we charge someone. I am going to blame Mayor Sessoms for this outrage because he is the big cheese whether he started this boondoggle or not. So off they go and raid and confisticate property of business owners (that have purchase business licenses, business names, and pay property taxes on their business equipment and have met zoning laws of their business) and essentially fired all of their employees in a time of depression/recession.
TWO types of LOTTERY are LEGAL in VIRGINIA. BINGO is LEGAL in VIRGINIA. OFF-TRACK BETTING PARLORS are LEGAL in VIRGINIA. The esteemed Virginia Pilot is telling it's readers that gambling is illegal in Virginia. Another form of the media you can no longer trust to report the simple truth - the proof is in the pudding.
Del. Clay Athey, R-Front Royal sponsored a bill H81010 to crack down on forms of gambling. Athey said that his bill was meant to prohibit people making wagers and having the chance to win money at the same location????? This man lives a very sheltered life. He has never heard of or been to Camden Downs betting parlors, 7-11 and associates (lotteries and scratch tickets) or his local church that runs the nightly Bingo games. By the way - who wants GOVERNMENT telling me or you how to run our lives?
Since GAMBLING IS LEGAL in Virginia as proof of STATE-SPONSORED gambling activities what is the real problem? Taxing gambling profits from various forms of gambling? The solution of course is simply to pass tax laws that allows the state to get their "cut". The state already does that with their current gambling dens of sin. Somehow we are being spoon-fed this garbage that we are not responsible and knowledgeable citizens - adults. We are mere irresponsible minors (children) that the NANNY STATE must take care of and protect.
How about the NANNY STATE get out their checkbook and balance it - like adults do? How about the NANNY STATE fix our transportation problems like adults would? Since they cannot fix what we sent them to office to fix they want to tell us what to do and how to do it - GET OUT OF MY FACE.
The state needs to legalize every sort of gambling so that we can create jobs here in the Commonwealth vice shipping our citizens off on bus trips so that they can gamble and spend their money in other states. Stop legislating your morality on my freedom of choice. Hey, the money could be spent on fixing the Hampton Roads and Northern Virginia transportation problem.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
The dissolution of the current Iranian government
I have read two articles from Forbes magazine that lead the reader to believe that the current Iranian government will be toppled. The fact that the bazaar merchants and the Revolutionary Guard are dissatisfied with their current government may see this somehow to become reality. That is an interesting possibility that alleviates my useless worry of this particular country amassing nuclear weapons - whether they are ICBM's or suitcase bombs.
The Iranian people were lied to by the Ayatollah Khomeini and the horror that his regime inflicted on them will be a sad part of their history into eternity. If this theocratic government goes by the way side the possibility of continued support of the groups that we haved labeled terrorists may also end thereby lessening tensions surrounding Israel.
Now that we have moved a second carrier into the area to project our military option causes me to wonder what this administration is up to. We have troops in Iraq and Afghanistan that border Iran and I am praying that we do not involve ourselves in another undeclared war. My stand is to bring all of our troops home from overseas and put them on our borders to close them so that we can effective deal with the millions of "illegal" aliens that now reside in the US. By accomplishing this objective we can tax their income and support our social services. The United States government needs to stop shoving our "culture" down the throats of people that do not want our culture.
The Iranian people were lied to by the Ayatollah Khomeini and the horror that his regime inflicted on them will be a sad part of their history into eternity. If this theocratic government goes by the way side the possibility of continued support of the groups that we haved labeled terrorists may also end thereby lessening tensions surrounding Israel.
Now that we have moved a second carrier into the area to project our military option causes me to wonder what this administration is up to. We have troops in Iraq and Afghanistan that border Iran and I am praying that we do not involve ourselves in another undeclared war. My stand is to bring all of our troops home from overseas and put them on our borders to close them so that we can effective deal with the millions of "illegal" aliens that now reside in the US. By accomplishing this objective we can tax their income and support our social services. The United States government needs to stop shoving our "culture" down the throats of people that do not want our culture.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Shirley Sherrod
The Shirley Sherrod story of a black administrator that was biased against "white" people and was subseqently fired and then rehired will not be taught in history books of government school children. As the story progressed to its conclusion she grew as a human being and realised her destiny in helping the "poor" people in her jurisdiction and not just the black race. The forest of the problem, however, is that the group of people she was addressing at the time was a group of black racists that were eating it up as they were entertained by the "white man" getting his. Any form of separationism e.g. Black Caucus, NAACP, Miss Black America, La Rosa are a form of racism. If anyone belonged to the "WASP Society for a Better America" there would be outcries of racism but not for other ethnic and racial groups? This just doesn't sit right.
Another small point that was brought up as Shirley talked to her racist listeners is the implication that she was compelled by her race to make sure those of her ethinicity were better taken care of than anyone else. I have experienced and heard of black favortism in the government workplace. Once again the head of discrimination rears its head. I am sorry that the leader of America got egg on his face again but he choose these advisors that just do not check their facts before they present them.
Another small point that was brought up as Shirley talked to her racist listeners is the implication that she was compelled by her race to make sure those of her ethinicity were better taken care of than anyone else. I have experienced and heard of black favortism in the government workplace. Once again the head of discrimination rears its head. I am sorry that the leader of America got egg on his face again but he choose these advisors that just do not check their facts before they present them.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
072210
Sherod was unjustly canned by taking out of context a statement she made in a speech to a group of people who were cheering that the white man was getting shafted. She eventually did the right thing as a government employee but she was still speaking to a racist society. We have a Supreme Court Justice from THE RACE society and a WOMANS ESCLUSIVE SOCIETY. I guess only the WHITE man cannot have a RACIST society because of past wrongs. The next time I miss the MISS BLACK awards it is I do not now support racism for any reason.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
29 June 2010
Karen told me I have bursitis of the knee and gave me dolobid to reduce the inflamation. Also to put Icy/Hot on the knees and give it a couple of days. I also have a brace of sorts that seems to work. At least today it was not as bad as it was. I had to call in off of work for two days because of that.
Mike tried to make me take a pizza to a very dangerous part of the city after dark. I told him I just could not. The $1 I would make is not worth my life. He sent me home. I have about 13 hours of work next week but that is ok. I have some work and I am beyond caring any more. I need to get my priorities completed. Harry seems to be more of an enemy than a friend. I don't know why but maybe that is just what he is.
Today I took Cho to Dairy Queen and we went around Willoughby Spit and explore for a while as she ate her strawberry sundae. I am sure she enjoyed it because she got out of bed promptly to go to this adventure.
Tomorrow is going to be cooler and I should get out there and cut my grass. I also am going to Mayor Fraim's party for getting him elected. I am going to take my camera. Maybe get some great shots. I don't know. Maybe I will get a Mayor Fraim and me shot. LOL. that is what I really want.
Mike tried to make me take a pizza to a very dangerous part of the city after dark. I told him I just could not. The $1 I would make is not worth my life. He sent me home. I have about 13 hours of work next week but that is ok. I have some work and I am beyond caring any more. I need to get my priorities completed. Harry seems to be more of an enemy than a friend. I don't know why but maybe that is just what he is.
Today I took Cho to Dairy Queen and we went around Willoughby Spit and explore for a while as she ate her strawberry sundae. I am sure she enjoyed it because she got out of bed promptly to go to this adventure.
Tomorrow is going to be cooler and I should get out there and cut my grass. I also am going to Mayor Fraim's party for getting him elected. I am going to take my camera. Maybe get some great shots. I don't know. Maybe I will get a Mayor Fraim and me shot. LOL. that is what I really want.
Friday, June 25, 2010
25 June 2010
Was thinking that I didn't have much to say about today. Well no nuclear weapons were discharged but in my tiny world this is my observation. My right knee was giving out last night and into today. I bought a brace to help support it and it is not doing much good. I have taken all my meds maybe that will help in a day or too. My pain is that of an ice pik into my knee with crunching and almost the knee popping out of place. Have an appointment with Karen Charlton tomorrow before my Pizza Hut job.
Last night I had no alcohol and no medicine and only slept maybe 3 hours with horrible dreams in them. So today became a series of naps to maintain. Tonight with Amien I will sleep....I hope.
The Chaplain and Nurse came today. The nicest thing that the chaplain did was to pray for us. The nurse brought the news that when Cho runs out of meds we will just not renew them. She is in Hospice and she is dying. It is a cold slap in the face again as reality steps up to the plate.
I did pull a basketful of weeds today and tomorrow the plan is another basketful. With time dedicated to the backyard then everything will be under low roar.
Completed a news article for the Master Gardeners and whether they use it or not is up to them. But I appreciated the challenge and opportunity.
The stinky dishes by the sink are clean and of course a new pile is starting to build. Mornings will be dish washing time.
The Topsy Turvy Plant I did not add some chemical compound to it and it has bottom rot. Next time I will add the product and an indeterminate tomato plant for constant blooming.
Last night I had no alcohol and no medicine and only slept maybe 3 hours with horrible dreams in them. So today became a series of naps to maintain. Tonight with Amien I will sleep....I hope.
The Chaplain and Nurse came today. The nicest thing that the chaplain did was to pray for us. The nurse brought the news that when Cho runs out of meds we will just not renew them. She is in Hospice and she is dying. It is a cold slap in the face again as reality steps up to the plate.
I did pull a basketful of weeds today and tomorrow the plan is another basketful. With time dedicated to the backyard then everything will be under low roar.
Completed a news article for the Master Gardeners and whether they use it or not is up to them. But I appreciated the challenge and opportunity.
The stinky dishes by the sink are clean and of course a new pile is starting to build. Mornings will be dish washing time.
The Topsy Turvy Plant I did not add some chemical compound to it and it has bottom rot. Next time I will add the product and an indeterminate tomato plant for constant blooming.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
24 June 2010
Today my car was registering 102 degrees. I was watching the clouds build and thought back to the Iowa lightening storms that used to frighten and thrill me at the same time. There was a day in which I was told that the thunder was the angels bowling in Heaven. One of several lies I was taught to believe when I was younger. Yes and there is no Santa Clause, Easter Bunny or even no Tooth Fairy. They may have been told in a story telling way but when I found out the truth then my trust in my parents became less. Those you lie to - trust you less.
I feared the tornadoes more in those days even though with the exception of TV I have never seen one. I have been in the eye of Hurricane Isabelle and I have seen a water spout but I have never seen a tornado. In Riverdale, Iowa , every 6 years a tornado would sweep through the same area. It was odd but that is what it seemed to do. One day, Diane and I were visiting friends and then a huge storm came up and we hurried inside their home and shut all the windows. In minutes it was over and several hundred-year-old trees were uprooted in a 10 block area. I think a tornado actually went over our heads.
Social Services came and inspected again today. Had a respite nurse here. I didn't know who it was and I was out cutting flowers for my wife's vases. Again, she gave me a hard time for working again I said I didn't have a choice. Eithier give me money or Medicaid or you have no bases to criticize or threaten me. She went off to see why Medicaid has not been approved yet. My wife heard this commotion and she told me that she told the respite nurse that she wanted to die as soon as possible to stop being a burden on me. I wrapped her in my arms and I sobbed. I told her that I wanted her with me as long as possible and then she could go live in Heaven with God and Jesus.
Barb Wilson from the Master Gardeners of Norfolk e-mailed me and confirmed that my pictures that I had attached successfully were received by her. Then she challenged me to write a story so I did and I forgot who the guest of honor was and another main character. She said she would help with the names but also referred me to the editor of the Master Gardener.s newsletter as a writer for them. Hmmmm. I never considered doing that but with Barb's challenge I was able to put together a fast blurb that she seemed to like.
I tried to sleep but sharp pains kept plagueing me. So I went and sat underneath a hot shower and just relaxed a little. Thanking God for this small pleasure He has blessed me with. Then I put on some heating rub for more relief. As I was doing that it just started pouring down.
Tonight I had difficulty walking. Sharp pains shot through my knees as if they were breaking. It was not a fun night.
I feared the tornadoes more in those days even though with the exception of TV I have never seen one. I have been in the eye of Hurricane Isabelle and I have seen a water spout but I have never seen a tornado. In Riverdale, Iowa , every 6 years a tornado would sweep through the same area. It was odd but that is what it seemed to do. One day, Diane and I were visiting friends and then a huge storm came up and we hurried inside their home and shut all the windows. In minutes it was over and several hundred-year-old trees were uprooted in a 10 block area. I think a tornado actually went over our heads.
Social Services came and inspected again today. Had a respite nurse here. I didn't know who it was and I was out cutting flowers for my wife's vases. Again, she gave me a hard time for working again I said I didn't have a choice. Eithier give me money or Medicaid or you have no bases to criticize or threaten me. She went off to see why Medicaid has not been approved yet. My wife heard this commotion and she told me that she told the respite nurse that she wanted to die as soon as possible to stop being a burden on me. I wrapped her in my arms and I sobbed. I told her that I wanted her with me as long as possible and then she could go live in Heaven with God and Jesus.
Barb Wilson from the Master Gardeners of Norfolk e-mailed me and confirmed that my pictures that I had attached successfully were received by her. Then she challenged me to write a story so I did and I forgot who the guest of honor was and another main character. She said she would help with the names but also referred me to the editor of the Master Gardener.s newsletter as a writer for them. Hmmmm. I never considered doing that but with Barb's challenge I was able to put together a fast blurb that she seemed to like.
I tried to sleep but sharp pains kept plagueing me. So I went and sat underneath a hot shower and just relaxed a little. Thanking God for this small pleasure He has blessed me with. Then I put on some heating rub for more relief. As I was doing that it just started pouring down.
Tonight I had difficulty walking. Sharp pains shot through my knees as if they were breaking. It was not a fun night.
Monday, June 21, 2010
21 June 2010
Woke up this Monday morning to go exercise my muscles and social skills with the Norfolk Master Gardener volunteers. Invited my wife to go and sit with us but she refused. Went and weeded, tied up some plants and just learned more about Gill and Jim. Gill spent 32 years in the Navy as a master chief and retired - he must be in his 70's. I asked him how long he has been gardening and he says he has a picture of himself at the age of 2 with a shovel and a rake. Jim is medically handicapped due to a water accident he had. He is a farmer of some type. The barnyard garden is impressive with corn over 10' tall and the rest of the garden is starting to produce.
Was thinking of my Pizza Hut shirt - doesn't wrinkle and doesn't show my sweat. So went to Bass Pro Shop and attempted to purchase two similar shirts from them. We will see if I got the correct ones or that I had to go to the $60 shirt price range. I hope I did well.
I also bought a DVD on bass fishing. Since I have never bass fished I figure it would behoove me to get some lessons under my belt. I really hardly know anything about fishing so maybe I can be taught and become more proficient that way - at least that is the plan.
Tomorrow we attack the yard again and cut down the biggest and worst stuff. bringing it all under control eventually. Or at least to a dull roar.
Was thinking of my Pizza Hut shirt - doesn't wrinkle and doesn't show my sweat. So went to Bass Pro Shop and attempted to purchase two similar shirts from them. We will see if I got the correct ones or that I had to go to the $60 shirt price range. I hope I did well.
I also bought a DVD on bass fishing. Since I have never bass fished I figure it would behoove me to get some lessons under my belt. I really hardly know anything about fishing so maybe I can be taught and become more proficient that way - at least that is the plan.
Tomorrow we attack the yard again and cut down the biggest and worst stuff. bringing it all under control eventually. Or at least to a dull roar.
Friday, June 18, 2010
18 June 2010
I am concerned about Cho. Took her to a dementia caretaker facilty for 4 hours today. She is still knocked out from it. I am wondering if she suffered another minor stroke. Yet it is just another up and down situation. The last few days I was worried that I had made my decision too soon and then we have today. She was so alive a couple of days ago and now she is almost comatose. I was seriously second guessing myself a few days ago and now I am so compassionate about my wife's suffering that I am relieved. I don't ever wish this on anyone else. It is the same compassion I have for our sniper teams except they kill on orders. I am allowing my wife to die because I am compassionate for her quality of life. We allow our society to put our pets to "sleep" when they are incurable and in pain. The Roman Catholic Church does not condone "Heroic" methods of life support. What is your personal definition of "Heroic"? I have seen human vegetables and I do not accept that as God's will. Those vegetables are sustained by my definition of "Heroic" measures. I believe that our life on Earth is a journey and that our Destination is Heaven. I want my wife in Heaven and not suffering in pain and discomfort on Earth. May God bless my love for my wife. I have prayed and God told me "Now is the time."
Monday, June 14, 2010
14 June 2010
I guess that histories are more important than events. I went to Prime Time in Norfolk for Senior citizens over 50 OMG I qualify. Found out about PrimePlus which is a day care for people like my wife. I found her smiling at participation. There are scholarships there which she may be qualified for. I talked with Cho and she wouldn't mind having fun there. Otherwise is is $31 for 4 hours.
I am sorry that I am coiled up like an angry snake but I am. That is my dealing wrongly with a situation.
I am sorry that I am coiled up like an angry snake but I am. That is my dealing wrongly with a situation.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
8 June 2010
Two nurses came to see Cho today. The hospice orders are not there yet but when they get there then she can get pain medicine for her knees. I keep questioning myself about taking her off of her anemia medicine which will be fatal to her. It is just that her health is just getting worse and worse. She is not quite a vegetable. She still knows me. She just cannot do anything any more because of her equilibrium. I will be talking with my social worker tomorrow.
Called in to work to tell them I was going to take care of my wife today. So I am cutting out making any money today. I went to Wal-Mart and bought two swimming trunks, some fishing tackle and a plastic box for putting my cuttings in. It has been a long time since I just went to Wal-Mart to buy things. It was a strange feeling yet a good feeling. Also my pants size is now 40/42. That was a nice confirmation. Since my other pants were falling off of me and I did not compute why. LOL. Besides the fact that I don't have a butt. :)
Went to my back yard and took several cuttings and then prepped them and put them in this "rooting box." I was trying to figure out how to put a plastic lid over the styrofoam cooler I had bought and then it fell all together that all I needed to do was buy a plastic box and fill it with seed starter. It looks like I have a minature forest. I put it in my computer room so that it has a bit of sunlight and we will check on it weekly. People enjoy receiving my cuttings and I enjoy giving them away. I want to go to this one yard and ask them what they are doing. It is like they have a massive greenhouse in the back and the fruit of their labors are stacked and displayed in the front. Mr Beasely has sign in his yard saying vegetables for sale. He says he doesn't make any money but it pays for his hobby.
Caught two croakers today. One was about 3" and the other one I took home and cooked it and shared it with my sweetheart and she enjoyed it. I finally broke down and bought some blood worms. Consequently I started catching fish.
Voted for Scott Rigel today. Cho refused to go vote. We will see what happens. He is not the
"TEA PARTY" candidate. I think he will do just fine though.
Called in to work to tell them I was going to take care of my wife today. So I am cutting out making any money today. I went to Wal-Mart and bought two swimming trunks, some fishing tackle and a plastic box for putting my cuttings in. It has been a long time since I just went to Wal-Mart to buy things. It was a strange feeling yet a good feeling. Also my pants size is now 40/42. That was a nice confirmation. Since my other pants were falling off of me and I did not compute why. LOL. Besides the fact that I don't have a butt. :)
Went to my back yard and took several cuttings and then prepped them and put them in this "rooting box." I was trying to figure out how to put a plastic lid over the styrofoam cooler I had bought and then it fell all together that all I needed to do was buy a plastic box and fill it with seed starter. It looks like I have a minature forest. I put it in my computer room so that it has a bit of sunlight and we will check on it weekly. People enjoy receiving my cuttings and I enjoy giving them away. I want to go to this one yard and ask them what they are doing. It is like they have a massive greenhouse in the back and the fruit of their labors are stacked and displayed in the front. Mr Beasely has sign in his yard saying vegetables for sale. He says he doesn't make any money but it pays for his hobby.
Caught two croakers today. One was about 3" and the other one I took home and cooked it and shared it with my sweetheart and she enjoyed it. I finally broke down and bought some blood worms. Consequently I started catching fish.
Voted for Scott Rigel today. Cho refused to go vote. We will see what happens. He is not the
"TEA PARTY" candidate. I think he will do just fine though.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
06June10
Two days before the primary elections for Republican House Candidates. I have supported Scott Rigell because in my opinion he is the best to beat Nye in the November elections. I have nothing against Nye. He has done a good job for our district. I do not trust the snake Nancy Pelosi and I will do all I can do to chop her head off.
I realise it is all politics and they play their games. I abhor the fact that it is no longer for the good of the American people but for the power brokers of the prevailing party. Now have I been naive and that is the political animal? Regardless, I will put signs in my yards, volunteer at call centers and do whatever I can to support Rigell to defeat Nye and Nancy Pelosi.
I realise it is all politics and they play their games. I abhor the fact that it is no longer for the good of the American people but for the power brokers of the prevailing party. Now have I been naive and that is the political animal? Regardless, I will put signs in my yards, volunteer at call centers and do whatever I can to support Rigell to defeat Nye and Nancy Pelosi.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
1 June 2010
Today we said goodbye to Dr Tan and his staff. We will no longer take Cho there to give her shots to prolong her life. She can no longer walk. She can no longer enjoy life with the exception of laying in her bed and sleeping. She wants to go no where. I look at pictures of her history as she looks back of me. She trusts me to protect her and do the right thing by her. Isn't coincidental that the study of the Quiqley case would give me the insight on my wife's case. How much compassion that is allowed a pet that we do not allow a human being? The Catholic church allows no heroic means to sustain life. At this time of utter immobility, I have decided to stop the heroic means on sustaining Cho's life through these shots. I am numb. I have absolutely no one to converse with on this decision with the exception of my social worker and that will be next week. I know that my decision is a huge decision and I feel that it is a correct decision. How much do I love my wife? I love her with all my heart, soul and body. I do not want her to needlessly to suffer. Not if I have a choice to help her go to heaven peacefully.
Monday, May 31, 2010
31 May 2010
Missie's birthday today and I called her thanks to Pattie to sing her a birthday song and talk for a few minutes.
Diane is not doing good. She cannot walk. Tomorrow we go to Dr Tan and I think it will be for the last time.
I have listed like 21 articles for sale on e-bay. I am delighted with this effort and with time and experience I think we can do well.
I am not doing well. I am still drinking and just treating my depression with alcohol.
Diane is not doing good. She cannot walk. Tomorrow we go to Dr Tan and I think it will be for the last time.
I have listed like 21 articles for sale on e-bay. I am delighted with this effort and with time and experience I think we can do well.
I am not doing well. I am still drinking and just treating my depression with alcohol.
Monday, May 24, 2010
24 May 2010
Put some California Rock on - You're So Vain. I had some girl sing that to me one time. I was and still am in some sence. How is it that we develop our major traits and it takes so much effort to correct them?
I went to Denny's today after my session with my social worker and enjoyed their sausage gravy and biscuit side dish. It is the best and the best price. Left the waitress a dollar tip and it cost less than $4. Of course I recommend this to all those who like this dish. Don't count the health benefits. I also found out that I qualify for Denny's senior citizen breakfast at 55. I am getting older and I want to make a bigger impact on the life around me. If just to give more love to those around me. Grandpa Wilkins was honored at his funeral by the town turning out to his funeral and passing of a kind and good man. Man, I would be proud to be recognized like he was.
I hate paying $25 for each 45 minute session with my social worker but it is amazing how fast my time goes by. I just blabber away and she says some words of healing to me. To make me realize that it is not all my fault in some sense but of course it is my responsibility on how I deal with it. It is never THEY did this but I did this to protect myself. She even suggested that I may be suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome of a sort. As I tell her my history she can see more of me and I explain a bit more of me. She told me the other week I am a hero/co-dependent because I take care of all of those around me without regard to myself. I am like an oil well gusher - I spew all of this out. I have had no one to talk to for so long - no one I trusted. Finally I have an outlet.
I think that I don't always have something to say but maybe it is I don't meditate on my current self and see what I am feeling and thinking. Sometimes we may be able to write a book , a poem, or a sentence. It is all significant.
Took Cho to PRESS 626 for the BEST GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH IN HAMPTON ROADS. We had it with bacon and tomato and four cheeses - Vermont Cheddar, Swiss, Pepper Jack, and Goat Cheese. Cost $11. I think they raised their price a bit but it was a special sandwich that came with fries and it was filling for the two of us. We could of had soup, salad or fresh fruit. Cho had a herbal orange blossom tea from a French Press. She really enjoyed and I went and bought some tea from Norfolk Coffee and Tea and then a French Press from Somona to make her some at home. PRESS 626 was very intimate with four stations - outside, bar, fireplace, and offset room. The fireplaces had candles in them to be lit at night to give it a sparkle - that is something I can use in my own fireplace. They also served their water in refrigerated wine bottles which was cool. Yes I recommend them....It cost me $19 tax and tip for a great meal and the best service I have had in a long time.
I finally figured out and posted one item for sale on E-Bay. I am so pleased. This is a start. This and Craig's list to start a business of sorts. It all depends on what you pay for something if you are able to turn a profit on it.
I went to Denny's today after my session with my social worker and enjoyed their sausage gravy and biscuit side dish. It is the best and the best price. Left the waitress a dollar tip and it cost less than $4. Of course I recommend this to all those who like this dish. Don't count the health benefits. I also found out that I qualify for Denny's senior citizen breakfast at 55. I am getting older and I want to make a bigger impact on the life around me. If just to give more love to those around me. Grandpa Wilkins was honored at his funeral by the town turning out to his funeral and passing of a kind and good man. Man, I would be proud to be recognized like he was.
I hate paying $25 for each 45 minute session with my social worker but it is amazing how fast my time goes by. I just blabber away and she says some words of healing to me. To make me realize that it is not all my fault in some sense but of course it is my responsibility on how I deal with it. It is never THEY did this but I did this to protect myself. She even suggested that I may be suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome of a sort. As I tell her my history she can see more of me and I explain a bit more of me. She told me the other week I am a hero/co-dependent because I take care of all of those around me without regard to myself. I am like an oil well gusher - I spew all of this out. I have had no one to talk to for so long - no one I trusted. Finally I have an outlet.
I think that I don't always have something to say but maybe it is I don't meditate on my current self and see what I am feeling and thinking. Sometimes we may be able to write a book , a poem, or a sentence. It is all significant.
Took Cho to PRESS 626 for the BEST GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH IN HAMPTON ROADS. We had it with bacon and tomato and four cheeses - Vermont Cheddar, Swiss, Pepper Jack, and Goat Cheese. Cost $11. I think they raised their price a bit but it was a special sandwich that came with fries and it was filling for the two of us. We could of had soup, salad or fresh fruit. Cho had a herbal orange blossom tea from a French Press. She really enjoyed and I went and bought some tea from Norfolk Coffee and Tea and then a French Press from Somona to make her some at home. PRESS 626 was very intimate with four stations - outside, bar, fireplace, and offset room. The fireplaces had candles in them to be lit at night to give it a sparkle - that is something I can use in my own fireplace. They also served their water in refrigerated wine bottles which was cool. Yes I recommend them....It cost me $19 tax and tip for a great meal and the best service I have had in a long time.
I finally figured out and posted one item for sale on E-Bay. I am so pleased. This is a start. This and Craig's list to start a business of sorts. It all depends on what you pay for something if you are able to turn a profit on it.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
19 May 2010
Last Sunday, the preacher told a story of a Russian immigrant that arrived in the USA with nothing and made something of himself. He made a great something of himself. He was a man amongst men. He went to a funeral of a friend. His wife's friend was surrounded by psychiatrists, doctors and clergy trying to console her.
This man that came here with nothing, parted the wife's company...took her in his arms and cried with her in their shared grief of their loss. This was a healing moment.
A long time ago...Aunt Kay lost a beautiful daughter and I went into the room with her and held her and cried with her. We were crying in our grief....my mother stepped in and told me that was inappropriate to cry with Aunt Kay and that I was faking it. She blungeon me into submission.
At my mother's funeral, after she had been murdered by her boy friend....I didn't cry. In fact, I felt relief. She was finally dead. She would no longer torment me ever again. Isn't that horrible? I was glad she was dead. This was my mother. I am sorry to not be able to say something nicer.
This man that came here with nothing, parted the wife's company...took her in his arms and cried with her in their shared grief of their loss. This was a healing moment.
A long time ago...Aunt Kay lost a beautiful daughter and I went into the room with her and held her and cried with her. We were crying in our grief....my mother stepped in and told me that was inappropriate to cry with Aunt Kay and that I was faking it. She blungeon me into submission.
At my mother's funeral, after she had been murdered by her boy friend....I didn't cry. In fact, I felt relief. She was finally dead. She would no longer torment me ever again. Isn't that horrible? I was glad she was dead. This was my mother. I am sorry to not be able to say something nicer.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
8 May 2010
Dad is on his way here. It may take two days because it is a 13 hour trip. I prefer that he just gets here than break some speed record.
Took Cho out to the Botanical Gardens today. We rode the tram around. Then I stopped at the Golden Corral and found out that they have a senior special mid-day but also that I could buy food by the pound. So today for less than ten I bought a varied lunch (including ice cream and cake) with two vegetables and 3 meats. I think we will do this more often.
Yesterday took her to the back yard and we had a fire and showed her the flowers and ate some strawberries from her garden. She loved it. She was worried today that she is getting worse. I told her that she is just having a bad day. In the mean time we had fun.
I had a great night sleep last night. Then woke and went back to sleep again for two deep sleep hours.
I used this 5-hour energy drink before my shift at Pizza Hut and it really worked well. So I have bought 5 more and will use them as needed.
Took Cho out to the Botanical Gardens today. We rode the tram around. Then I stopped at the Golden Corral and found out that they have a senior special mid-day but also that I could buy food by the pound. So today for less than ten I bought a varied lunch (including ice cream and cake) with two vegetables and 3 meats. I think we will do this more often.
Yesterday took her to the back yard and we had a fire and showed her the flowers and ate some strawberries from her garden. She loved it. She was worried today that she is getting worse. I told her that she is just having a bad day. In the mean time we had fun.
I had a great night sleep last night. Then woke and went back to sleep again for two deep sleep hours.
I used this 5-hour energy drink before my shift at Pizza Hut and it really worked well. So I have bought 5 more and will use them as needed.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
2 May 2010
Cho is "having" more dreams. Things that aren't happening. People who aren't there. I just tell her they are dreams. I came home from the commissary and she told me that my dinner was in the oven. I checked and it was just another dream. One of her daughters called today and told her that she had talked with her other two sisters and that they were going to find a nursing home for her. That she would be safer there. I agree. That is said by someone that just wants the best for someone he has loved for 34 years. The angry daughter just said that we had been together for a long time. I have recognised some of my imperfections and have taken some steps to correct them.
Went to see a psych doc Friday. He gave me a script for some medicine that makes me not want to drink. So far my effects are a wooziness and diarhea and sleeping a lot or is some of that depresssion? I admitted straight up to the doc that I was an alchoholic and then laid almost everything else out too. He admitted that I have a lot on my plate and I will see him again in a couple of weeks and a clinical psychologist to help with my dealing with situations. I guess that psych's are mostly for writing scripts. I told him that the most improvement I had had was from a tough female and he gave me the toughest one he had on staff.
This morning I was outside to enjoy a bush of roses newly bloomed last night and iris's that are sharing the new air. Enticing scents surrounded me this morning. I filled the birdfeeders with sunflower seeds for the cardinals. They came out to tell me they were hungry. There was a thrasher that came to look at me from the fence as I was on the front porch. I wonder if there is a nest nearby. My lawn needs to get cut before it is totally out of control. Part of it already is. Early in the mornings so as to beat the heat. I have some top soil to put in the holes in my lawn to even it out. My dream has become too much for me to care for.
Went to see a psych doc Friday. He gave me a script for some medicine that makes me not want to drink. So far my effects are a wooziness and diarhea and sleeping a lot or is some of that depresssion? I admitted straight up to the doc that I was an alchoholic and then laid almost everything else out too. He admitted that I have a lot on my plate and I will see him again in a couple of weeks and a clinical psychologist to help with my dealing with situations. I guess that psych's are mostly for writing scripts. I told him that the most improvement I had had was from a tough female and he gave me the toughest one he had on staff.
This morning I was outside to enjoy a bush of roses newly bloomed last night and iris's that are sharing the new air. Enticing scents surrounded me this morning. I filled the birdfeeders with sunflower seeds for the cardinals. They came out to tell me they were hungry. There was a thrasher that came to look at me from the fence as I was on the front porch. I wonder if there is a nest nearby. My lawn needs to get cut before it is totally out of control. Part of it already is. Early in the mornings so as to beat the heat. I have some top soil to put in the holes in my lawn to even it out. My dream has become too much for me to care for.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
April 25 2010
I am recognizing anger. I am recognizing how it feels to me. It is not rage. Rage is easy to see. Rage however grows from anger. Both of course evolove from a lack of control. I cannot control you and your opinion of me and when I do I become disappointed in my lack of control. I become angry and eventually I begin to rage.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Happy Earth Day
WOW. I attended the first Earth Day at Pleasant Valley High School whenever that was. LOL. My brain does not keep track of years just events. Look it up if you want a date. There was this dirty hippie that said he helped the environment by bumming car rides from other people - now that is logical. LOL. We were told that the Earth Is Cooling because of man's environmental impact. It was not good to have children because of the over-population of the world and we would all run out of food. Today I went to Farm Fresh and they gave me two free cloth grocery bags. That is cool because I wouldn't buy them but I will use them. Maybe I will go to Farm Fresh again and get more. LOL. Today, I will go outside and weed my flower gardens and throw the weeds into the tire composters. It rained yesterday so maybe the weeds will compost faster now. I like to do things God's way and not worry about how fast it takes vegetation to rot but rest assured that it does and will rot to compost which will rot to humus which will rot to humeric acid so that the plants can use this building block to assist with photosynthesis and plant growth. Taking carbon dioxide in (the evil gas according to our government) and releasing oxygen to sustain animal life.
Peggy and Jean will be in tonight about 2030. Peggy called today and I kidded her about not expecting her this soon. Cho said Hi and I love You to her and that was about the conversation. Cho said that her new dentures she got yesterday don't work. They move. I told her that that was to be expected because they were dentures. The lady yesterday said that dentures chop but they don't chew. Maybe we will try some adhesive to hold them in place better. The doctor said absolutely not to putting in lower dentures. Alzheimer patients forget how to chew anyway. We left a message on Jean's voice mail today also.
Yesterday I finally called Wall Tax and asked a few questions and got their responses and I will comply very soon. I need to file my taxes with what I have for proof and send them to the fed, state, wall and social security. Then I will be even. Wall Tax is asking for $100 for my settlement to the IRS vice $15,000. Fear is a horrible thing but facing fear adds to a mans stature. My next step is to face the bank and my mortgage dilemma. I have missed two payments due to not having enough money to pay all my bills. Now that I have a job I can pay my mortgage and insurance. Once I get done with Wall Tax I will have food money also. I have at least a $500 job to do on my car with the front wheel bearing and don't have to worry about Cho's teeth anymore. I will be able to cancel my dental insurance on that and save an additional $100 per month. If and when I put Cho in a nursing home I can cancel my life insurance and save $150 per month there also. Stopping drinking also saves about $150 a month also. This all adds up quickly to saving money to take care of daily expenses and maybe even putting away some savings.
Politics around the world continues and somehow I am not missing it because I taking care of what I can control. The politics was just making me feel bad anyway. That is not good. I don't control it and I feel bad. Hmmmm. Not good. Choir is tonight and I am drinking Steel Reserve Malt liquor. It is smooth but I am getting a buzz.
Peggy and Jean will be in tonight about 2030. Peggy called today and I kidded her about not expecting her this soon. Cho said Hi and I love You to her and that was about the conversation. Cho said that her new dentures she got yesterday don't work. They move. I told her that that was to be expected because they were dentures. The lady yesterday said that dentures chop but they don't chew. Maybe we will try some adhesive to hold them in place better. The doctor said absolutely not to putting in lower dentures. Alzheimer patients forget how to chew anyway. We left a message on Jean's voice mail today also.
Yesterday I finally called Wall Tax and asked a few questions and got their responses and I will comply very soon. I need to file my taxes with what I have for proof and send them to the fed, state, wall and social security. Then I will be even. Wall Tax is asking for $100 for my settlement to the IRS vice $15,000. Fear is a horrible thing but facing fear adds to a mans stature. My next step is to face the bank and my mortgage dilemma. I have missed two payments due to not having enough money to pay all my bills. Now that I have a job I can pay my mortgage and insurance. Once I get done with Wall Tax I will have food money also. I have at least a $500 job to do on my car with the front wheel bearing and don't have to worry about Cho's teeth anymore. I will be able to cancel my dental insurance on that and save an additional $100 per month. If and when I put Cho in a nursing home I can cancel my life insurance and save $150 per month there also. Stopping drinking also saves about $150 a month also. This all adds up quickly to saving money to take care of daily expenses and maybe even putting away some savings.
Politics around the world continues and somehow I am not missing it because I taking care of what I can control. The politics was just making me feel bad anyway. That is not good. I don't control it and I feel bad. Hmmmm. Not good. Choir is tonight and I am drinking Steel Reserve Malt liquor. It is smooth but I am getting a buzz.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
15 April 2010
The most important event of my life today is the 34th anniversary of marriage to my lover, friend and wife. It was one day at a time and yes I do wish that what I know now I knew way back then. Can't change the past. With God's direction I control my attitude and do the next right thing today.
Last night I came home from my delivery job at Pizza Hut - it was my third day. By the in-store comments it was a busy night. Everytime I came in it seemed like I was out in 5 minutes. I worked my butt off (for me - the one with the large butt). I came home really really tired. It was a good tired. I had a job and I did my best to do a good job. I will get stronger and I will lose weight.
I watched a Jay Leno show last night when upon Adam West's entrance the audience gave him a standing ovation. Why? He played the part in the past of Batman. An American hero. It was an indication that America is looking for hope. Something like what happened when Ronald Reagan became president and gave America their pride back.
Last night I came home from my delivery job at Pizza Hut - it was my third day. By the in-store comments it was a busy night. Everytime I came in it seemed like I was out in 5 minutes. I worked my butt off (for me - the one with the large butt). I came home really really tired. It was a good tired. I had a job and I did my best to do a good job. I will get stronger and I will lose weight.
I watched a Jay Leno show last night when upon Adam West's entrance the audience gave him a standing ovation. Why? He played the part in the past of Batman. An American hero. It was an indication that America is looking for hope. Something like what happened when Ronald Reagan became president and gave America their pride back.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
13 April 2010
I have two days to do my taxes. Should be simple except I don't have my W-2s. There is a way to get them and I will handle that tomorrow.
I have had the squirts all day today. Very unpleasant and I basically did not go out socially. I did go and get 3 meds that had ran out for Cho and then looked up the price of them. Cho would be dead without the insurance that we have. The retail cost of these 3 meds is $650. LOL. I forgot that we went to hematologist today....that cost is usually around 3K or so. I think it was the orange juice and ice that I ground up for my craving for juice today that upset my system. Too much sugar. OK enough medical stuff. Well before I let you go - Cho was feeling bad so I helped her take all her meds today and since I wasn't feeling all that great I made sure I did too and including taking my insulin.
Recieved my Overeaters Anonymous book and The Rules for Normal Eating today. Started to delve into them. Part of my lifetime change. I realized that drinking alcohol, though I might miss the "fun" of parties and such, makes me sick. To drink it is to surely kill me. I am allergic to it. One drink and I have to have a thousand. I am sure that overeating is related to this and it is another addiction I have to overcome before it ends my life. I have stopped smoking - of which I am proud - but how did I stop smoking? I changed my attitude about the smoke. I didn't want it in my lungs. Now every so often I want to have a cigarette but to play with it. One time I actually took another puff and it tasted just as nasty as it did when I started. I know that for me to smoke is three packs a day.
I have basically given up on the political talk shows - they make me feel bad. Why should I do that with myself? It is all negative.
I have had the squirts all day today. Very unpleasant and I basically did not go out socially. I did go and get 3 meds that had ran out for Cho and then looked up the price of them. Cho would be dead without the insurance that we have. The retail cost of these 3 meds is $650. LOL. I forgot that we went to hematologist today....that cost is usually around 3K or so. I think it was the orange juice and ice that I ground up for my craving for juice today that upset my system. Too much sugar. OK enough medical stuff. Well before I let you go - Cho was feeling bad so I helped her take all her meds today and since I wasn't feeling all that great I made sure I did too and including taking my insulin.
Recieved my Overeaters Anonymous book and The Rules for Normal Eating today. Started to delve into them. Part of my lifetime change. I realized that drinking alcohol, though I might miss the "fun" of parties and such, makes me sick. To drink it is to surely kill me. I am allergic to it. One drink and I have to have a thousand. I am sure that overeating is related to this and it is another addiction I have to overcome before it ends my life. I have stopped smoking - of which I am proud - but how did I stop smoking? I changed my attitude about the smoke. I didn't want it in my lungs. Now every so often I want to have a cigarette but to play with it. One time I actually took another puff and it tasted just as nasty as it did when I started. I know that for me to smoke is three packs a day.
I have basically given up on the political talk shows - they make me feel bad. Why should I do that with myself? It is all negative.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
April 6,2010
50 killed in Iraq from terrorist bombings. May lead to sectarian violence. Hmmmm. Sounds so clean. 50 people pointed out and told to drop dead and they did. Lots of smoke, noise and did you notice that the windows were blown out and some buildings collapsed. When was the last time I collapsed a building???? It was that long ago....I think it was a Lincoln log building. During the Beirut bombing we tried to tear apart the reinforced concrete with our bare hands in our desperation to save lives. Not everyone was killed. Some just lost all their limbs or eyes or hearing or their minds - they didn't die. How many people are affected in our private social/blood families when someone dies or is physically harmed? What if it was those Democrats/Republicans/Independents/Liberals/Conservatives that did it? Iraq was created as a prize of war - it included 3 'tribes' of people - people that have hated each other over the centuries - what is going to cause them to reunite as a single country? They have to hate a common enemy and as much damage as we have inflected we are leaving. Listen and watch Afghanistan. We are leaving Iraq....slowly but surely. Then what they do is their RESPONSIBILITY....because they are a SOVEREIGN nation. What does that mean in a nutshell - the United States has no business occupying foreign lands. When we finally send the last trooper home - Iraq will revert back to a culture that works in that part of the world because jamming America down someones throat is still a violent sexual act. We dare to call them crooks and sneer at them and forget about our own government with our own sneering crooks.
Cho's blood counts were a bit lower than the week before but still not dangerously low. She got her shot and we left. So did some more people along the way. It is the American way, the evolution of opportunity in that we always seek a better job. Better pay, benefits, or just closer to home/hours. We love the people we come into contact with all that we can give them. We live our own lives and they theirs and when we part, hopefully we part friends. My problem is that I am so self-centered that I don't even care to learn their names. I do remember Loretta and Connie but I didn't know eithier of their names until this last year. That is not sad that is my sickness.
My car read 95 degrees today in April. I did not go outside today to garden and with all the other stuff going on it was ok. I watered the tomato plant and pinched off a couple of leaves so it could grow more. I went to the back yard and thinned out one plant and ate the leaves and it was of the radishes. It was raining a bit today so that was another excuse to not go outside besides I was hungover from the night before. Yesterday I recieved a package with my gardening tools I had ordered. Peter Cho told me I could have gotten these tools from the Korean store - now I can pass that on - but I don't go to his Korean store. LOL Tomorrow might be an excellant day to mow my grass. Tomorrow might also be an excellant day to get some more used tires to build more compost piles. How many? 12 disciples. That is sufficient. How to cover them? Probaly garbage bags maybe we can put them around the tires and maybe we have to tape them with duck tape eithier way will work.
Took Cho to her doctor's office and found out that she was on a 10-day cruise with her two daughters and husband. Of course in the back of our heads we say must be nice. I told two people that without them she would not have been able to go on that cruise because they were not there. Karen who is my nurse practioner and with the doctor said this was the first time she ever met my wife of 34 years. Her husband died of cancer about 10 years ago and I asked her why she never got married again - he was irreplaceable was her answer. We will treat Cho with Nexium starting tomorrow AM and if that works then her stomach pain is all about acid reflux. If not then we have change her diet to minimal fats and lactose. Karen needs an operation and she will get that in May and lay out for awhile. I pray to God now for her speedy recovery and her blessings that she spreads daily on this earth. Thank you God for Karen.
Finished Playing for Pizza by John Grisham...basically a story of a want to be NFL quarterback that grew up in his Italian football playing experience..it had a good ending and it was a nice story. I recommend it for its worth.
Cho's blood counts were a bit lower than the week before but still not dangerously low. She got her shot and we left. So did some more people along the way. It is the American way, the evolution of opportunity in that we always seek a better job. Better pay, benefits, or just closer to home/hours. We love the people we come into contact with all that we can give them. We live our own lives and they theirs and when we part, hopefully we part friends. My problem is that I am so self-centered that I don't even care to learn their names. I do remember Loretta and Connie but I didn't know eithier of their names until this last year. That is not sad that is my sickness.
My car read 95 degrees today in April. I did not go outside today to garden and with all the other stuff going on it was ok. I watered the tomato plant and pinched off a couple of leaves so it could grow more. I went to the back yard and thinned out one plant and ate the leaves and it was of the radishes. It was raining a bit today so that was another excuse to not go outside besides I was hungover from the night before. Yesterday I recieved a package with my gardening tools I had ordered. Peter Cho told me I could have gotten these tools from the Korean store - now I can pass that on - but I don't go to his Korean store. LOL Tomorrow might be an excellant day to mow my grass. Tomorrow might also be an excellant day to get some more used tires to build more compost piles. How many? 12 disciples. That is sufficient. How to cover them? Probaly garbage bags maybe we can put them around the tires and maybe we have to tape them with duck tape eithier way will work.
Took Cho to her doctor's office and found out that she was on a 10-day cruise with her two daughters and husband. Of course in the back of our heads we say must be nice. I told two people that without them she would not have been able to go on that cruise because they were not there. Karen who is my nurse practioner and with the doctor said this was the first time she ever met my wife of 34 years. Her husband died of cancer about 10 years ago and I asked her why she never got married again - he was irreplaceable was her answer. We will treat Cho with Nexium starting tomorrow AM and if that works then her stomach pain is all about acid reflux. If not then we have change her diet to minimal fats and lactose. Karen needs an operation and she will get that in May and lay out for awhile. I pray to God now for her speedy recovery and her blessings that she spreads daily on this earth. Thank you God for Karen.
Finished Playing for Pizza by John Grisham...basically a story of a want to be NFL quarterback that grew up in his Italian football playing experience..it had a good ending and it was a nice story. I recommend it for its worth.
Monday, April 5, 2010
April 5, 2010
Just finished watching Miami Vice and a cooking show. Miami Vice is a show I always wanted to watch but for some reason in the time frame it was running I could not watch it. So now I take the time to enjoy Crockett.
Did not go to any AA meetings today. Just sat back and drank PBR. I was outbid on an AA Study guide on EBay but I did buy two books on overeating. So I should be enjoying those books in a couple of weeks. So I have two more addictions that I have to deal with - alcohol and carbohydrates. Is it one and the same? Hmmm. Probably some similarities.
Called Pizza Hut and was told Mike would call me when he figured out who he had to cut to get me into the driving position. He couldn't just add another person. I understand his dilemma and I understand mine. I need some work. I have maybe 3 hours of paid work from last week. That is not going to cut it. Since I am in control of all that I guess we leave it in the hands of God and let Him do it perfectly.
Cooked up a storm today. Roasted some chicken and potatoes and then for dinner cooked up some hot Italian sausage with onions and pepper strips. Both delicious and filling. Peter came over and was a bit disappointed that I don't like the black bean puree. I was thinking of putting it into a yogurt cup and then flavoring it and having it for breakfast every day. In the meantime, I am picking dandelion flowers and cutting the yellow out of them. I am going to make dandelion jelly out of this adventure.
I cut down the canes and now I have to take them to the back and burn them. Also completed all of my seed trays. They are watered and now all I can do it wait. Checked my seeds in the back and some of them are coming up already. I don't know what they are but it is great to see them come up. Also spent some time at the Zoo helping the Master Gardener Volunteers with the barnyard garden. Took some violas and Miners lettuce home and transplanted it into my yard. Took a lot of pictures and need to down load them all and then fix and discard them.
In all of that I also spent some time with the foot doctor and he cleaned up my toes nails a bit and did something with a callous. Also had to pay a co-pay of $12. That is the first time I have had to do that. It is a good thing that I had the money. So my day was not boring in the least bit. Loved my wife as much as I could and she loved me back. She did not go outside today mostly because I was outside doing all my tasks. Yet we spent some time together reminding each other what is important in life - loving God and each other.
Did not go to any AA meetings today. Just sat back and drank PBR. I was outbid on an AA Study guide on EBay but I did buy two books on overeating. So I should be enjoying those books in a couple of weeks. So I have two more addictions that I have to deal with - alcohol and carbohydrates. Is it one and the same? Hmmm. Probably some similarities.
Called Pizza Hut and was told Mike would call me when he figured out who he had to cut to get me into the driving position. He couldn't just add another person. I understand his dilemma and I understand mine. I need some work. I have maybe 3 hours of paid work from last week. That is not going to cut it. Since I am in control of all that I guess we leave it in the hands of God and let Him do it perfectly.
Cooked up a storm today. Roasted some chicken and potatoes and then for dinner cooked up some hot Italian sausage with onions and pepper strips. Both delicious and filling. Peter came over and was a bit disappointed that I don't like the black bean puree. I was thinking of putting it into a yogurt cup and then flavoring it and having it for breakfast every day. In the meantime, I am picking dandelion flowers and cutting the yellow out of them. I am going to make dandelion jelly out of this adventure.
I cut down the canes and now I have to take them to the back and burn them. Also completed all of my seed trays. They are watered and now all I can do it wait. Checked my seeds in the back and some of them are coming up already. I don't know what they are but it is great to see them come up. Also spent some time at the Zoo helping the Master Gardener Volunteers with the barnyard garden. Took some violas and Miners lettuce home and transplanted it into my yard. Took a lot of pictures and need to down load them all and then fix and discard them.
In all of that I also spent some time with the foot doctor and he cleaned up my toes nails a bit and did something with a callous. Also had to pay a co-pay of $12. That is the first time I have had to do that. It is a good thing that I had the money. So my day was not boring in the least bit. Loved my wife as much as I could and she loved me back. She did not go outside today mostly because I was outside doing all my tasks. Yet we spent some time together reminding each other what is important in life - loving God and each other.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter Sunday
Chocolate bunnys and Easter eggs are for the kids and I don't have any and so we didn't celebrate that portion of Easter. There was no family gathering but when there are two of you then you celebrate with each other. We went to the No. 1 Chinese Buffet as per my wife's choice. I had my dozen oysters on the half shell and I shard one with my love. She didn't want another but enjoyed the one I gave her. She spent part of tonight politicking me for her bottom teeth to be replaced with false teeth. I told her point blank she is on a waiting list for other things to be paid for. Why is it that 2K a month is not enough to live on?
Went to church today and sang in the choir. We sang some powerful songs from the cantata and then Handel's Hallelujah Chorus. This church was clapping. I remember the first time they clapped was when I sang Thank You by Ray Boltz and commemorated the life of one of the choir members. Before that they had never clapped. Surprising was the recognition that I received from the choir directer, her husband and the members for my singing....my gift from God. I sang from my heart and to the best of my ability and I made mistakes and yet sang with conviction. Maybe that is what they heard. Reminds me of when my second chair and I in the baritone section of the band agreed to sound like the radio as our new standard. Raise the standard and the glory goes to God. If it doesn't go to God then we will be eaten by worms.
Planted a lot of seeds in my seed trays and seed soil and will wait for two weeks to see them sprout and can transplant them to vaious areas of my garden. Cut down all of Evaugh's trumpet lily stalks and ran out fo energy to cut down mine. LOL...Will do that tomorrow and put them in the fire pit and make a fire to meditate on and burn. Picked a section of weeds today and put them in the second tire composter. It is almost full and I need to cover them so that mosquitoes don't have a field day in them. I will go to the taxi company and see if they want to give me more tires for my composting or if they don't want to talk with me. It is to their benefit to give me tires so they don't have to haul them away at a buck twenty five each. Considering what I have in my front yard I may very well need to make three more piles of tires to take care of the compost material that I already have.
Dad, Kim and Connie called and wished us a happy Easter. I guess that Peggy called her mom this morning so that was good too. Cho is surrounded by loving people at church and she really loves it. She is so loving back. She didn't want to go today but with a little chiding on my part she dressed us nicely and I told her how beautiful she looked. My neighbors are partying tonight and are loud but power to them. They are having a great time. Sorry that Christ is not in their lives but that is not my problem right now. Maybe later I can show them the God of their understanding so that they can be encompassed in a love eternal.
Went to church today and sang in the choir. We sang some powerful songs from the cantata and then Handel's Hallelujah Chorus. This church was clapping. I remember the first time they clapped was when I sang Thank You by Ray Boltz and commemorated the life of one of the choir members. Before that they had never clapped. Surprising was the recognition that I received from the choir directer, her husband and the members for my singing....my gift from God. I sang from my heart and to the best of my ability and I made mistakes and yet sang with conviction. Maybe that is what they heard. Reminds me of when my second chair and I in the baritone section of the band agreed to sound like the radio as our new standard. Raise the standard and the glory goes to God. If it doesn't go to God then we will be eaten by worms.
Planted a lot of seeds in my seed trays and seed soil and will wait for two weeks to see them sprout and can transplant them to vaious areas of my garden. Cut down all of Evaugh's trumpet lily stalks and ran out fo energy to cut down mine. LOL...Will do that tomorrow and put them in the fire pit and make a fire to meditate on and burn. Picked a section of weeds today and put them in the second tire composter. It is almost full and I need to cover them so that mosquitoes don't have a field day in them. I will go to the taxi company and see if they want to give me more tires for my composting or if they don't want to talk with me. It is to their benefit to give me tires so they don't have to haul them away at a buck twenty five each. Considering what I have in my front yard I may very well need to make three more piles of tires to take care of the compost material that I already have.
Dad, Kim and Connie called and wished us a happy Easter. I guess that Peggy called her mom this morning so that was good too. Cho is surrounded by loving people at church and she really loves it. She is so loving back. She didn't want to go today but with a little chiding on my part she dressed us nicely and I told her how beautiful she looked. My neighbors are partying tonight and are loud but power to them. They are having a great time. Sorry that Christ is not in their lives but that is not my problem right now. Maybe later I can show them the God of their understanding so that they can be encompassed in a love eternal.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
April 3 2010
Today I started my job at Pizza Hut as a delivery driver. What a rush. There is so much going on there that it is like the game area at a carnival. The one big hangup I encountered was all the customers calling out of our "new" territory and we had to redirect them to a closer Pizza Hut site. Besides that I went on about 5 deliverys and messed up about 10 phone calls and will be called back on Monday to see when I will work again.
Then I went to Jim Hunt's 80th birthday party at Cagney's Restaurant. I had the chicken and dumplings with french fries and onion rings with unsweetened ice tea and a slice of carrot cake. I will have to bring my wife to Cagneys again because they have improved from the last time I went there. It is about the same price as K&W Cafeteria and the food is good too. Maybe a bit more expensive because of the tip but actually maybe about the same. 10 - 20 % here and there.
In the morning I cleaned out a portion of the weeds in my front lawn and side lawn of my garage. Putting the waste into the tire barrels that I have by the back fence. I will go ask about getting some more tires from the taxi company so I can compost more weeds. I will need to find something to put on top of the tires to eliminate mosquitoes. I don't know if garbage bags will go over a tire or not. If not then duck tape the plastic bags on top.
I was thinking of turning my radio from political comentary to the religious stations so that I have something positive to listen to. If that doesn't work then I can run an extension cord and conncect a CD player and listen to my learning tapes and sermon tapes to listen to. The political commentaries turn my guts to naseum. Sometimes I will listen to them to hear about positions on different situations but mostly it is just like Tony Mercurio says - it is a show.
Took Cho on a car trip and bought some seed starter mix at Garden in a Flower Pot. Then I planted a few seeds - nine different types of seeds. So we will see what grows and what doesn't. Added to the garden I already have it is quite a collection. I have discovered that weed pulling doesn't have to be an exact science. You pull the big ones and keep on moving. My perrinieals are apprearing and it is because I am pulling up the covering weeds.
Learned from Liz about home-church because the mainstream churches are just not covering the basics. They are not covering the Bible truths and are slanted one way or the other. Found that very interesting. When they actually go to a church they go visit various churches. Liz is also into home-schooling and that is another separationist ideaology. This is becoming more and more of an underground movement. The public schools are not teaching our children correctly and we need to do it ourselves. It was the first time that I had an intellectual discussion with AA members. It was refreshing.
Then I went to Jim Hunt's 80th birthday party at Cagney's Restaurant. I had the chicken and dumplings with french fries and onion rings with unsweetened ice tea and a slice of carrot cake. I will have to bring my wife to Cagneys again because they have improved from the last time I went there. It is about the same price as K&W Cafeteria and the food is good too. Maybe a bit more expensive because of the tip but actually maybe about the same. 10 - 20 % here and there.
In the morning I cleaned out a portion of the weeds in my front lawn and side lawn of my garage. Putting the waste into the tire barrels that I have by the back fence. I will go ask about getting some more tires from the taxi company so I can compost more weeds. I will need to find something to put on top of the tires to eliminate mosquitoes. I don't know if garbage bags will go over a tire or not. If not then duck tape the plastic bags on top.
I was thinking of turning my radio from political comentary to the religious stations so that I have something positive to listen to. If that doesn't work then I can run an extension cord and conncect a CD player and listen to my learning tapes and sermon tapes to listen to. The political commentaries turn my guts to naseum. Sometimes I will listen to them to hear about positions on different situations but mostly it is just like Tony Mercurio says - it is a show.
Took Cho on a car trip and bought some seed starter mix at Garden in a Flower Pot. Then I planted a few seeds - nine different types of seeds. So we will see what grows and what doesn't. Added to the garden I already have it is quite a collection. I have discovered that weed pulling doesn't have to be an exact science. You pull the big ones and keep on moving. My perrinieals are apprearing and it is because I am pulling up the covering weeds.
Learned from Liz about home-church because the mainstream churches are just not covering the basics. They are not covering the Bible truths and are slanted one way or the other. Found that very interesting. When they actually go to a church they go visit various churches. Liz is also into home-schooling and that is another separationist ideaology. This is becoming more and more of an underground movement. The public schools are not teaching our children correctly and we need to do it ourselves. It was the first time that I had an intellectual discussion with AA members. It was refreshing.
Monday, March 29, 2010
29/30 March 2010
Someone accused me of being "cheery" today. I told them this is my only day. I am sure she didn't get what I was saying but do I? I started the day doing all the next right things. Then I started to deal with my slow slow computer game my "
beautiful day" starting getting cloudy. So it is about staying focused on what is important. Remembering is the hard part. I guess that takes practice.
My wife has fallen 3 times in the last three days. I guess we go back to the hard times now. I have a job now and as soon as I know my actual hours then I can get some help here from Medicaid to pay for expenses.
It has been rainy in the last 2 days tomorrow is suppose to be better. So maybe I will take my wife out to the mall to look at people. Blow some stink off as Grandma Wilkins used to say.
Spent some time today to make 36 phone calls for Mayor Fraim today. I have his sign in my yard and Randy Wrights sign should soon follow. Got to be for something and especially not for total idiots.
beautiful day" starting getting cloudy. So it is about staying focused on what is important. Remembering is the hard part. I guess that takes practice.
My wife has fallen 3 times in the last three days. I guess we go back to the hard times now. I have a job now and as soon as I know my actual hours then I can get some help here from Medicaid to pay for expenses.
It has been rainy in the last 2 days tomorrow is suppose to be better. So maybe I will take my wife out to the mall to look at people. Blow some stink off as Grandma Wilkins used to say.
Spent some time today to make 36 phone calls for Mayor Fraim today. I have his sign in my yard and Randy Wrights sign should soon follow. Got to be for something and especially not for total idiots.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
28 March 2010
What a day! Started it off with the Easter Cantata. I was even listed as a soloist because of some echo work I did on this one spiritual song. I had my own personal mistakes that I regret but kept right on trucking. Tried to remember that I am a performer and to make sure people see my happy face. So the church folk seemed to appreciate it.
Then it was gardening time for me. Perfect weather and I bought two bags of mushroom compost and spread them on my two raised garden beds. I weeded the beds and replanted a few of the mints and onions that were spreading about. I also put down rows of seeds to include lettuce, spinach, Bib lettuce, radishes, and alyessum flowers. Took my rooted roses and re potted them and put them into the garden bed. Let them all grow a little bigger until maybe next year. Noticed that I have a white tulip that bloomed in my front and also my perennial tulips are spreading and blooming also. Cut 5 daffodils for my enjoyment and put them in a crystal stem vase and cut some "weed" flowers and put them in my little display vase. I don't know what it is called but it holds the flowers up and I have a perfect statue for it to be held in.
Then I went to the Came to Believe meeting and enjoyed the company of all there. Tried to be amusing but some nights I have it and some I don't. I have been in the obsession for a drink today but I am tired and that is what my cure will be today. Plus some prayer.
Took pictures of the choir and only one really turned out OK. Sorry Nick but the pics didn't really make the top 10. He needed to get back a couple more feet to get the whole choir in. Looked at pictures of myself and I am huge. I need to get a picture printed so I can remind myself what I look like and take the appropriate action for it.
Then it was gardening time for me. Perfect weather and I bought two bags of mushroom compost and spread them on my two raised garden beds. I weeded the beds and replanted a few of the mints and onions that were spreading about. I also put down rows of seeds to include lettuce, spinach, Bib lettuce, radishes, and alyessum flowers. Took my rooted roses and re potted them and put them into the garden bed. Let them all grow a little bigger until maybe next year. Noticed that I have a white tulip that bloomed in my front and also my perennial tulips are spreading and blooming also. Cut 5 daffodils for my enjoyment and put them in a crystal stem vase and cut some "weed" flowers and put them in my little display vase. I don't know what it is called but it holds the flowers up and I have a perfect statue for it to be held in.
Then I went to the Came to Believe meeting and enjoyed the company of all there. Tried to be amusing but some nights I have it and some I don't. I have been in the obsession for a drink today but I am tired and that is what my cure will be today. Plus some prayer.
Took pictures of the choir and only one really turned out OK. Sorry Nick but the pics didn't really make the top 10. He needed to get back a couple more feet to get the whole choir in. Looked at pictures of myself and I am huge. I need to get a picture printed so I can remind myself what I look like and take the appropriate action for it.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Nuclear Arms Reduction
The Russia and America nuclear super powers are going to reduce their nuclear stock piles from 2200 to 1500. Plus they are going to reduce their out-of-date delivery systems. Sounds good. Save money and still be able to blow each other to total annihiliation.
Sinking the South Korean ship Cheonan
Currently the US and South Korean forces are playing war games designed on what they would do if North Korea attacked with nuclear weapons. North Korea in the mean time has been banging their sabers in a threatening manner. My experience in war games is that both sides push the limits of the boundries. Baengnyeong is an island administered by the South Korean government. On a map it shows this island far up the coast of North Korea and it is said that on a clear day you can see North Korea.
Whether the ship was sunk by an internal explosion, a mine or a torpedo is under investigation. Will we know the truth someday? We can only hope. In the meantime there are missing sailors. The good news is that the ship has turned over with the keel explosed so there may be a few more survivors.
Hypothermia would be a factor that would play in the ability to survive in the water though. At a range of water temps between 40 and 60 degrees the sailors who managed to get off the ship would survive for maybe 20 minutes or so before dying of hypothermia. So if there are any more survivors they will have to be in the ship and out of the water. They will have to be found quickly because they will be running out of oxygen. I am sure that divers have been dispatched to search the ship.
Whether the ship was sunk by an internal explosion, a mine or a torpedo is under investigation. Will we know the truth someday? We can only hope. In the meantime there are missing sailors. The good news is that the ship has turned over with the keel explosed so there may be a few more survivors.
Hypothermia would be a factor that would play in the ability to survive in the water though. At a range of water temps between 40 and 60 degrees the sailors who managed to get off the ship would survive for maybe 20 minutes or so before dying of hypothermia. So if there are any more survivors they will have to be in the ship and out of the water. They will have to be found quickly because they will be running out of oxygen. I am sure that divers have been dispatched to search the ship.
Paying It Forward
December 2008 I became involved with KIVA which is a micro-lending organization directed to help various people in their pursuit of financing their home businesses to provide a better life for themselves and their families. I started a "group" based on one of my favorite concepts and that is "Paying It Forward." The group consisted of myself and a picture that I had taken of a Norfolk Botanical Garden scene and uploaded to the KIVA site. All my contributions to KIVA then were directed to the PAYING IT FORWARD group.
The next month I had a dream of a lady and lo and behold she was my first team member. Since that time I promoted her to the co-leader spot and we made some definition changes of why we do what we do and invited others to join if they so wish. Currently 15 months later or so we have at least 14 members from all over the world. The group as a altruistic whole has contributed in excess of 200 loans to various lendees.
The group is gearing up for April 25 because it has been labeled PAYING IT FORWARD day or some such title. There is a consensus building to make an additional contribution that day to someone asking for a loan. I find that well and good and I hope to participate in that myself considering that I expect to be employed by that time and able to donate part of my earnings to new loans.
Katie Couric did a news piece on the concept of "Paying It Forward". It seems that Harvard and the University of California scientists have proved the concept of people helping people causes people down the food chain of this helpfulness to be more giving themselves. The original concept was if one person helps three people and they help three people that eventually the whole world would have been helped.
My personal results, as of this point in time, is that my original gift of $25 and the succeeding gifts after that, even though I am not contributing new money at this time, result in an additional 6 gifts a month that with due diligence, I am blessed with helping 6 families to better their lives. I am grateful for this opportunity and hope that I can participate on April 25 to celebrate this Paying It Forward day.
The next month I had a dream of a lady and lo and behold she was my first team member. Since that time I promoted her to the co-leader spot and we made some definition changes of why we do what we do and invited others to join if they so wish. Currently 15 months later or so we have at least 14 members from all over the world. The group as a altruistic whole has contributed in excess of 200 loans to various lendees.
The group is gearing up for April 25 because it has been labeled PAYING IT FORWARD day or some such title. There is a consensus building to make an additional contribution that day to someone asking for a loan. I find that well and good and I hope to participate in that myself considering that I expect to be employed by that time and able to donate part of my earnings to new loans.
Katie Couric did a news piece on the concept of "Paying It Forward". It seems that Harvard and the University of California scientists have proved the concept of people helping people causes people down the food chain of this helpfulness to be more giving themselves. The original concept was if one person helps three people and they help three people that eventually the whole world would have been helped.
My personal results, as of this point in time, is that my original gift of $25 and the succeeding gifts after that, even though I am not contributing new money at this time, result in an additional 6 gifts a month that with due diligence, I am blessed with helping 6 families to better their lives. I am grateful for this opportunity and hope that I can participate on April 25 to celebrate this Paying It Forward day.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The A B C's of Business versus Obamacare
The scare mongers told me that to make insurance companies insure pre-existing conditions would bankrupt their businesses. That is a lie. Insurance companies would use their acuaries to determine the cost of doing this type of business and pass the cost back to me and my pocketbook. We all know that the most important person in my world is me. Why would the scare mongers try to make me feel sorry for the insurance companies when it was me holding my ankles for the government mandates.
Businesses number one priority is to survive. When the government makes a rule that affects all businesses all the businesses are affected statiscally the same and raise their prices competitvely. That means me and mine pay more for pre-existing health insurance.
Businesses number one priority is to survive. When the government makes a rule that affects all businesses all the businesses are affected statiscally the same and raise their prices competitvely. That means me and mine pay more for pre-existing health insurance.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
HYPOCRITES
Why are the politicians crying about the bonuses that the fat cats make that the city of New York steals to pay for the needs of the city that the rest of city doesn't pay for?
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tiger Woods Aplogizes
I have been in Tiger's shoes. It is not something to brag about. It is a character defect or even an addiction if you find a doctor willing to prescribe that type of therapy. It is an immaturity of our manhood that makes us ignore our marital duties to pleasure ourselves with sexual frolics.
Sex is a billion dollar industry. It permeates our society in every way possible to transfer money out of our pockets to the marketer's banks. Still it is not an excuse to go out and be unfaithful to our marriage vows. Jesus said to even think of lust is a sin. So when I go into the grocery stores and I see women revealing just enough to stay legal and of the course the guys with the six packs showing - that is not causing people to sin -right? Was I talking about the magazines?
The truth is as my relationship with my wife deepens, I get more joy out of our marriage together. I don't want to frolic with anyone for a tryst because it is not satisfying and it has caused me massive guilt. I would rather focus on what is the next right thing to do and that is not sneaking off with someone for sex.
So Tiger Woods sinned. So did I. In fact, I probably sinned a couple of times today already. I am not proud of it but I am imperfect as a human being and so is everyone else. So we are all sinners because God said we were and we don't call God a liar. Jesus said when they brought to Him the woman caught in adultery, "He who has not sinned, cast the first stone." The accusers left. Then He said to the woman, "I don't condemn you. Go and sin no more." Jesus would forgive Tiger and say, "Go and sin no more." I figure the sinners of the human race have the opportunity to do as Jesus showed us what to do.
Sex is a billion dollar industry. It permeates our society in every way possible to transfer money out of our pockets to the marketer's banks. Still it is not an excuse to go out and be unfaithful to our marriage vows. Jesus said to even think of lust is a sin. So when I go into the grocery stores and I see women revealing just enough to stay legal and of the course the guys with the six packs showing - that is not causing people to sin -right? Was I talking about the magazines?
The truth is as my relationship with my wife deepens, I get more joy out of our marriage together. I don't want to frolic with anyone for a tryst because it is not satisfying and it has caused me massive guilt. I would rather focus on what is the next right thing to do and that is not sneaking off with someone for sex.
So Tiger Woods sinned. So did I. In fact, I probably sinned a couple of times today already. I am not proud of it but I am imperfect as a human being and so is everyone else. So we are all sinners because God said we were and we don't call God a liar. Jesus said when they brought to Him the woman caught in adultery, "He who has not sinned, cast the first stone." The accusers left. Then He said to the woman, "I don't condemn you. Go and sin no more." Jesus would forgive Tiger and say, "Go and sin no more." I figure the sinners of the human race have the opportunity to do as Jesus showed us what to do.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Why Does Milk Spoil?
American milk is heated to 140 degrees Fahrenheit for a set time to kill some of the bacteria in the milk to make it safer to drink. Yet, after a few days it spoils from the bacteria that was not killed from the pasteurization process. So it is with the AA way of life.
I can go to an AA meeting and be re-inspired to the AA way of living one day at a time. This re-dedication will last for awhile but over time - life occurs. I get H ungary, A ngry, L onely and T ired. My inspiration becoming historical and eventually I forget all about it and my life returns to "normal" and I turn to alcohol to alleviate my pain of living life on my terms - I become spoilt milk.
When I practice the AA way of life - I won't spoil. "Why is that?", someone would question. How can I spoil when each night (through reflection and prayer) I empty and clean the pitcher that held the milk. In the morning, with prayer and meditation, I refill the pitcher with freshly pasteurized milk just for today. I call my sponsor and AA friends throughout the day. I work on the step I am dealing with that day. I go to meetings to learn, socialize and meditate. When I do wrong I immediately admit it and ask for forgiveness. I do the next right thing. I ask God to direct and empower my life. In this way I am keeping AA and my God in the forefront of my life and living God's will in my life. In this way I finally find love, peace and joy.
I can go to an AA meeting and be re-inspired to the AA way of living one day at a time. This re-dedication will last for awhile but over time - life occurs. I get H ungary, A ngry, L onely and T ired. My inspiration becoming historical and eventually I forget all about it and my life returns to "normal" and I turn to alcohol to alleviate my pain of living life on my terms - I become spoilt milk.
When I practice the AA way of life - I won't spoil. "Why is that?", someone would question. How can I spoil when each night (through reflection and prayer) I empty and clean the pitcher that held the milk. In the morning, with prayer and meditation, I refill the pitcher with freshly pasteurized milk just for today. I call my sponsor and AA friends throughout the day. I work on the step I am dealing with that day. I go to meetings to learn, socialize and meditate. When I do wrong I immediately admit it and ask for forgiveness. I do the next right thing. I ask God to direct and empower my life. In this way I am keeping AA and my God in the forefront of my life and living God's will in my life. In this way I finally find love, peace and joy.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Step 2
I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
My way of living my life has brought me to this point. I drink destructively - when my anger flares up inside of my skin I try to put the fire out with liquor and beer. I drink so fast and so much I black out and when I awake I hurl up my guts. My blood pressure is in the stroke/heart attack range. The anger that motivates me to drink this way is based on the values I have chosen to live by in my life. I am insane (not crazy just not all there to make correct decisions) when I drink in this manner. I cannot drink safely anymore.
Only by adopting a completely different set of values and actions and relying on a power greater than myself can I become sane. If my higher power is simply the AA group with the members that have been sober for more than a year then it is clear that they have a method that has worked for themselves and millions of others and if I follow their lead and listen and act on what they tell me, then I too can be sober for at least a year. I do not need to join the debating society about using the God of my understanding as my Higher Power. The AA group is self-evident in their existence and ability to stay sober.
Was I a defiant person - yes. Is AA suggesting that I change my whole philosophy on life? Yes. Is change easy - no - it is painful but I don't have to do it all at once. Just gradually change - G ood O rderly D irection. The AA ideal is for me to aim at realizing I will never be perfect just growing in a direction that aims at doing the God of my understandings will and not mine. Yet it is the end of my old life so that my new life can emerge and be fruitful.
Did my prayers ask God to grant me my wishes and not His will for me - yes. Were my prayers more demands to God - yes? Did I pray for others - rarely.
Yet I have reservations whether God will heal me. I have experienced religions that had faith healers and they demanded results for their show. I find it false teaching and hokey. Yet this is my own self-righteousness and it is a character defect of mine. With this attitude I find myself superior to the entire body of religion which is simply man's attempt to communicate as a community with God of their understanding.
My way of living my life has brought me to this point. I drink destructively - when my anger flares up inside of my skin I try to put the fire out with liquor and beer. I drink so fast and so much I black out and when I awake I hurl up my guts. My blood pressure is in the stroke/heart attack range. The anger that motivates me to drink this way is based on the values I have chosen to live by in my life. I am insane (not crazy just not all there to make correct decisions) when I drink in this manner. I cannot drink safely anymore.
Only by adopting a completely different set of values and actions and relying on a power greater than myself can I become sane. If my higher power is simply the AA group with the members that have been sober for more than a year then it is clear that they have a method that has worked for themselves and millions of others and if I follow their lead and listen and act on what they tell me, then I too can be sober for at least a year. I do not need to join the debating society about using the God of my understanding as my Higher Power. The AA group is self-evident in their existence and ability to stay sober.
Was I a defiant person - yes. Is AA suggesting that I change my whole philosophy on life? Yes. Is change easy - no - it is painful but I don't have to do it all at once. Just gradually change - G ood O rderly D irection. The AA ideal is for me to aim at realizing I will never be perfect just growing in a direction that aims at doing the God of my understandings will and not mine. Yet it is the end of my old life so that my new life can emerge and be fruitful.
Did my prayers ask God to grant me my wishes and not His will for me - yes. Were my prayers more demands to God - yes? Did I pray for others - rarely.
Yet I have reservations whether God will heal me. I have experienced religions that had faith healers and they demanded results for their show. I find it false teaching and hokey. Yet this is my own self-righteousness and it is a character defect of mine. With this attitude I find myself superior to the entire body of religion which is simply man's attempt to communicate as a community with God of their understanding.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
1st Step
I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.
I am an alcoholic. I have a disease that is just as serious as cancer and I must take steps to contain it everyday of my life or it will kill me, lead me to prison/jail or mental institutions. I cannot drink alcohol safely ever again. One drink sets up a craving in me for the next drink and the next drink until I pass out or run out of alcohol.
Normal (9 out of 10) people drink a couple of drinks and get dizzy and sick to their stomach. Alcohol acts as a depressant to them. When I drink alcohol it acts as a stimulant on me. So I get charged up.
I drank alcohol for the effect it had on me. It made me feel better because my life was full of fear, hate, loathing and resentments. I have many defects of character that affected my family and I. I had no friends. It was all about me and it was my way or the highway. I drank alcohol to feel good, normal and acceptable because inside of my skin, I couldn't stand myself. Then alcohol stopped making me feel better and I just drank it because it was my job to drink it.
When I woke one morning after another blackout after consuming in three days - 3 1.75 liters of bourbon I realised that I was spiralling down fast and something needed to be done. I finally realised that my answers were not the solutions to solving my alcoholism. I needed to find someone who had the answers quick. The only place I knew where the solution was was at AA.
I did not want to admit defeat but before I killed or destroyed myself drinking, I surrendered. My life was going to Hell in a hand basket and I was in the basket. So I went to AA meetings and started to do what they said to do - live my life on their principles, read the Big Book, get a sponsor, call other members, attend meetings, pray, and study the first step. So far, so good.
Then I found out about the unmanageable aspects of my life - I am not in control of other people and their actions. If they offend me then I must realize that they are mentally sick people also. I need to pray for forgiveness for them. Then it is helpful to pray for them for two weeks so that I will not harbor any resentments. I needed to love them even though I may not like them or their behaviours. Resentments, because they will lead me to alcohol again, are dangerous for me. If I have a resentment (some offense that I keep bringing back to review over and over again), I need to figure out where I was wrong in my thinking that I would take offense from their actions.
As captain of my life I have ran it into the ground. My self was full of character defects (fear, loathing, self-righteousness, resentment, anger, sexual relationships, self-reliance) that lead me into so much pain that I turned to alcohol to numb myself. I was playing God with my life and I am not God.
I am an alcoholic. I have a disease that is just as serious as cancer and I must take steps to contain it everyday of my life or it will kill me, lead me to prison/jail or mental institutions. I cannot drink alcohol safely ever again. One drink sets up a craving in me for the next drink and the next drink until I pass out or run out of alcohol.
Normal (9 out of 10) people drink a couple of drinks and get dizzy and sick to their stomach. Alcohol acts as a depressant to them. When I drink alcohol it acts as a stimulant on me. So I get charged up.
I drank alcohol for the effect it had on me. It made me feel better because my life was full of fear, hate, loathing and resentments. I have many defects of character that affected my family and I. I had no friends. It was all about me and it was my way or the highway. I drank alcohol to feel good, normal and acceptable because inside of my skin, I couldn't stand myself. Then alcohol stopped making me feel better and I just drank it because it was my job to drink it.
When I woke one morning after another blackout after consuming in three days - 3 1.75 liters of bourbon I realised that I was spiralling down fast and something needed to be done. I finally realised that my answers were not the solutions to solving my alcoholism. I needed to find someone who had the answers quick. The only place I knew where the solution was was at AA.
I did not want to admit defeat but before I killed or destroyed myself drinking, I surrendered. My life was going to Hell in a hand basket and I was in the basket. So I went to AA meetings and started to do what they said to do - live my life on their principles, read the Big Book, get a sponsor, call other members, attend meetings, pray, and study the first step. So far, so good.
Then I found out about the unmanageable aspects of my life - I am not in control of other people and their actions. If they offend me then I must realize that they are mentally sick people also. I need to pray for forgiveness for them. Then it is helpful to pray for them for two weeks so that I will not harbor any resentments. I needed to love them even though I may not like them or their behaviours. Resentments, because they will lead me to alcohol again, are dangerous for me. If I have a resentment (some offense that I keep bringing back to review over and over again), I need to figure out where I was wrong in my thinking that I would take offense from their actions.
As captain of my life I have ran it into the ground. My self was full of character defects (fear, loathing, self-righteousness, resentment, anger, sexual relationships, self-reliance) that lead me into so much pain that I turned to alcohol to numb myself. I was playing God with my life and I am not God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
