1st Step

I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.

I am an alcoholic. I have a disease that is just as serious as cancer and I must take steps to contain it everyday of my life or it will kill me, lead me to prison/jail or mental institutions. I cannot drink alcohol safely ever again. One drink sets up a craving in me for the next drink and the next drink until I pass out or run out of alcohol.

Normal (9 out of 10) people drink a couple of drinks and get dizzy and sick to their stomach. Alcohol acts as a depressant to them. When I drink alcohol it acts as a stimulant on me. So I get charged up.

I drank alcohol for the effect it had on me. It made me feel better because my life was full of fear, hate, loathing and resentments. I have many defects of character that affected my family and I. I had no friends. It was all about me and it was my way or the highway. I drank alcohol to feel good, normal and acceptable because inside of my skin, I couldn't stand myself. Then alcohol stopped making me feel better and I just drank it because it was my job to drink it.

When I woke one morning after another blackout after consuming in three days - 3 1.75 liters of bourbon I realised that I was spiralling down fast and something needed to be done. I finally realised that my answers were not the solutions to solving my alcoholism. I needed to find someone who had the answers quick. The only place I knew where the solution was was at AA.

I did not want to admit defeat but before I killed or destroyed myself drinking, I surrendered. My life was going to Hell in a hand basket and I was in the basket. So I went to AA meetings and started to do what they said to do - live my life on their principles, read the Big Book, get a sponsor, call other members, attend meetings, pray, and study the first step. So far, so good.

Then I found out about the unmanageable aspects of my life - I am not in control of other people and their actions. If they offend me then I must realize that they are mentally sick people also. I need to pray for forgiveness for them. Then it is helpful to pray for them for two weeks so that I will not harbor any resentments. I needed to love them even though I may not like them or their behaviours. Resentments, because they will lead me to alcohol again, are dangerous for me. If I have a resentment (some offense that I keep bringing back to review over and over again), I need to figure out where I was wrong in my thinking that I would take offense from their actions.

As captain of my life I have ran it into the ground. My self was full of character defects (fear, loathing, self-righteousness, resentment, anger, sexual relationships, self-reliance) that lead me into so much pain that I turned to alcohol to numb myself. I was playing God with my life and I am not God.