April 25 2010

I am recognizing anger. I am recognizing how it feels to me. It is not rage. Rage is easy to see. Rage however grows from anger. Both of course evolove from a lack of control. I cannot control you and your opinion of me and when I do I become disappointed in my lack of control. I become angry and eventually I begin to rage.

Happy Earth Day

WOW. I attended the first Earth Day at Pleasant Valley High School whenever that was. LOL. My brain does not keep track of years just events. Look it up if you want a date. There was this dirty hippie that said he helped the environment by bumming car rides from other people - now that is logical. LOL. We were told that the Earth Is Cooling because of man's environmental impact. It was not good to have children because of the over-population of the world and we would all run out of food. Today I went to Farm Fresh and they gave me two free cloth grocery bags. That is cool because I wouldn't buy them but I will use them. Maybe I will go to Farm Fresh again and get more. LOL. Today, I will go outside and weed my flower gardens and throw the weeds into the tire composters. It rained yesterday so maybe the weeds will compost faster now. I like to do things God's way and not worry about how fast it takes vegetation to rot but rest assured that it does and will rot to compost which will rot to humus which will rot to humeric acid so that the plants can use this building block to assist with photosynthesis and plant growth. Taking carbon dioxide in (the evil gas according to our government) and releasing oxygen to sustain animal life.

Peggy and Jean will be in tonight about 2030. Peggy called today and I kidded her about not expecting her this soon. Cho said Hi and I love You to her and that was about the conversation. Cho said that her new dentures she got yesterday don't work. They move. I told her that that was to be expected because they were dentures. The lady yesterday said that dentures chop but they don't chew. Maybe we will try some adhesive to hold them in place better. The doctor said absolutely not to putting in lower dentures. Alzheimer patients forget how to chew anyway. We left a message on Jean's voice mail today also.

Yesterday I finally called Wall Tax and asked a few questions and got their responses and I will comply very soon. I need to file my taxes with what I have for proof and send them to the fed, state, wall and social security. Then I will be even. Wall Tax is asking for $100 for my settlement to the IRS vice $15,000. Fear is a horrible thing but facing fear adds to a mans stature. My next step is to face the bank and my mortgage dilemma. I have missed two payments due to not having enough money to pay all my bills. Now that I have a job I can pay my mortgage and insurance. Once I get done with Wall Tax I will have food money also. I have at least a $500 job to do on my car with the front wheel bearing and don't have to worry about Cho's teeth anymore. I will be able to cancel my dental insurance on that and save an additional $100 per month. If and when I put Cho in a nursing home I can cancel my life insurance and save $150 per month there also. Stopping drinking also saves about $150 a month also. This all adds up quickly to saving money to take care of daily expenses and maybe even putting away some savings.

Politics around the world continues and somehow I am not missing it because I taking care of what I can control. The politics was just making me feel bad anyway. That is not good. I don't control it and I feel bad. Hmmmm. Not good. Choir is tonight and I am drinking Steel Reserve Malt liquor. It is smooth but I am getting a buzz.

15 April 2010

The most important event of my life today is the 34th anniversary of marriage to my lover, friend and wife. It was one day at a time and yes I do wish that what I know now I knew way back then. Can't change the past. With God's direction I control my attitude and do the next right thing today.

Last night I came home from my delivery job at Pizza Hut - it was my third day. By the in-store comments it was a busy night. Everytime I came in it seemed like I was out in 5 minutes. I worked my butt off (for me - the one with the large butt). I came home really really tired. It was a good tired. I had a job and I did my best to do a good job. I will get stronger and I will lose weight.

I watched a Jay Leno show last night when upon Adam West's entrance the audience gave him a standing ovation. Why? He played the part in the past of Batman. An American hero. It was an indication that America is looking for hope. Something like what happened when Ronald Reagan became president and gave America their pride back.

13 April 2010

I have two days to do my taxes. Should be simple except I don't have my W-2s. There is a way to get them and I will handle that tomorrow.

I have had the squirts all day today. Very unpleasant and I basically did not go out socially. I did go and get 3 meds that had ran out for Cho and then looked up the price of them. Cho would be dead without the insurance that we have. The retail cost of these 3 meds is $650. LOL. I forgot that we went to hematologist today....that cost is usually around 3K or so. I think it was the orange juice and ice that I ground up for my craving for juice today that upset my system. Too much sugar. OK enough medical stuff. Well before I let you go - Cho was feeling bad so I helped her take all her meds today and since I wasn't feeling all that great I made sure I did too and including taking my insulin.

Recieved my Overeaters Anonymous book and The Rules for Normal Eating today. Started to delve into them. Part of my lifetime change. I realized that drinking alcohol, though I might miss the "fun" of parties and such, makes me sick. To drink it is to surely kill me. I am allergic to it. One drink and I have to have a thousand. I am sure that overeating is related to this and it is another addiction I have to overcome before it ends my life. I have stopped smoking - of which I am proud - but how did I stop smoking? I changed my attitude about the smoke. I didn't want it in my lungs. Now every so often I want to have a cigarette but to play with it. One time I actually took another puff and it tasted just as nasty as it did when I started. I know that for me to smoke is three packs a day.

I have basically given up on the political talk shows - they make me feel bad. Why should I do that with myself? It is all negative.

April 6,2010

50 killed in Iraq from terrorist bombings. May lead to sectarian violence. Hmmmm. Sounds so clean. 50 people pointed out and told to drop dead and they did. Lots of smoke, noise and did you notice that the windows were blown out and some buildings collapsed. When was the last time I collapsed a building???? It was that long ago....I think it was a Lincoln log building. During the Beirut bombing we tried to tear apart the reinforced concrete with our bare hands in our desperation to save lives. Not everyone was killed. Some just lost all their limbs or eyes or hearing or their minds - they didn't die. How many people are affected in our private social/blood families when someone dies or is physically harmed? What if it was those Democrats/Republicans/Independents/Liberals/Conservatives that did it? Iraq was created as a prize of war - it included 3 'tribes' of people - people that have hated each other over the centuries - what is going to cause them to reunite as a single country? They have to hate a common enemy and as much damage as we have inflected we are leaving. Listen and watch Afghanistan. We are leaving Iraq....slowly but surely. Then what they do is their RESPONSIBILITY....because they are a SOVEREIGN nation. What does that mean in a nutshell - the United States has no business occupying foreign lands. When we finally send the last trooper home - Iraq will revert back to a culture that works in that part of the world because jamming America down someones throat is still a violent sexual act. We dare to call them crooks and sneer at them and forget about our own government with our own sneering crooks.

Cho's blood counts were a bit lower than the week before but still not dangerously low. She got her shot and we left. So did some more people along the way. It is the American way, the evolution of opportunity in that we always seek a better job. Better pay, benefits, or just closer to home/hours. We love the people we come into contact with all that we can give them. We live our own lives and they theirs and when we part, hopefully we part friends. My problem is that I am so self-centered that I don't even care to learn their names. I do remember Loretta and Connie but I didn't know eithier of their names until this last year. That is not sad that is my sickness.

My car read 95 degrees today in April. I did not go outside today to garden and with all the other stuff going on it was ok. I watered the tomato plant and pinched off a couple of leaves so it could grow more. I went to the back yard and thinned out one plant and ate the leaves and it was of the radishes. It was raining a bit today so that was another excuse to not go outside besides I was hungover from the night before. Yesterday I recieved a package with my gardening tools I had ordered. Peter Cho told me I could have gotten these tools from the Korean store - now I can pass that on - but I don't go to his Korean store. LOL Tomorrow might be an excellant day to mow my grass. Tomorrow might also be an excellant day to get some more used tires to build more compost piles. How many? 12 disciples. That is sufficient. How to cover them? Probaly garbage bags maybe we can put them around the tires and maybe we have to tape them with duck tape eithier way will work.

Took Cho to her doctor's office and found out that she was on a 10-day cruise with her two daughters and husband. Of course in the back of our heads we say must be nice. I told two people that without them she would not have been able to go on that cruise because they were not there. Karen who is my nurse practioner and with the doctor said this was the first time she ever met my wife of 34 years. Her husband died of cancer about 10 years ago and I asked her why she never got married again - he was irreplaceable was her answer. We will treat Cho with Nexium starting tomorrow AM and if that works then her stomach pain is all about acid reflux. If not then we have change her diet to minimal fats and lactose. Karen needs an operation and she will get that in May and lay out for awhile. I pray to God now for her speedy recovery and her blessings that she spreads daily on this earth. Thank you God for Karen.

Finished Playing for Pizza by John Grisham...basically a story of a want to be NFL quarterback that grew up in his Italian football playing experience..it had a good ending and it was a nice story. I recommend it for its worth.

April 5, 2010

Just finished watching Miami Vice and a cooking show. Miami Vice is a show I always wanted to watch but for some reason in the time frame it was running I could not watch it. So now I take the time to enjoy Crockett.

Did not go to any AA meetings today. Just sat back and drank PBR. I was outbid on an AA Study guide on EBay but I did buy two books on overeating. So I should be enjoying those books in a couple of weeks. So I have two more addictions that I have to deal with - alcohol and carbohydrates. Is it one and the same? Hmmm. Probably some similarities.

Called Pizza Hut and was told Mike would call me when he figured out who he had to cut to get me into the driving position. He couldn't just add another person. I understand his dilemma and I understand mine. I need some work. I have maybe 3 hours of paid work from last week. That is not going to cut it. Since I am in control of all that I guess we leave it in the hands of God and let Him do it perfectly.

Cooked up a storm today. Roasted some chicken and potatoes and then for dinner cooked up some hot Italian sausage with onions and pepper strips. Both delicious and filling. Peter came over and was a bit disappointed that I don't like the black bean puree. I was thinking of putting it into a yogurt cup and then flavoring it and having it for breakfast every day. In the meantime, I am picking dandelion flowers and cutting the yellow out of them. I am going to make dandelion jelly out of this adventure.

I cut down the canes and now I have to take them to the back and burn them. Also completed all of my seed trays. They are watered and now all I can do it wait. Checked my seeds in the back and some of them are coming up already. I don't know what they are but it is great to see them come up. Also spent some time at the Zoo helping the Master Gardener Volunteers with the barnyard garden. Took some violas and Miners lettuce home and transplanted it into my yard. Took a lot of pictures and need to down load them all and then fix and discard them.

In all of that I also spent some time with the foot doctor and he cleaned up my toes nails a bit and did something with a callous. Also had to pay a co-pay of $12. That is the first time I have had to do that. It is a good thing that I had the money. So my day was not boring in the least bit. Loved my wife as much as I could and she loved me back. She did not go outside today mostly because I was outside doing all my tasks. Yet we spent some time together reminding each other what is important in life - loving God and each other.

Easter Sunday

Chocolate bunnys and Easter eggs are for the kids and I don't have any and so we didn't celebrate that portion of Easter. There was no family gathering but when there are two of you then you celebrate with each other. We went to the No. 1 Chinese Buffet as per my wife's choice. I had my dozen oysters on the half shell and I shard one with my love. She didn't want another but enjoyed the one I gave her. She spent part of tonight politicking me for her bottom teeth to be replaced with false teeth. I told her point blank she is on a waiting list for other things to be paid for. Why is it that 2K a month is not enough to live on?

Went to church today and sang in the choir. We sang some powerful songs from the cantata and then Handel's Hallelujah Chorus. This church was clapping. I remember the first time they clapped was when I sang Thank You by Ray Boltz and commemorated the life of one of the choir members. Before that they had never clapped. Surprising was the recognition that I received from the choir directer, her husband and the members for my singing....my gift from God. I sang from my heart and to the best of my ability and I made mistakes and yet sang with conviction. Maybe that is what they heard. Reminds me of when my second chair and I in the baritone section of the band agreed to sound like the radio as our new standard. Raise the standard and the glory goes to God. If it doesn't go to God then we will be eaten by worms.

Planted a lot of seeds in my seed trays and seed soil and will wait for two weeks to see them sprout and can transplant them to vaious areas of my garden. Cut down all of Evaugh's trumpet lily stalks and ran out fo energy to cut down mine. LOL...Will do that tomorrow and put them in the fire pit and make a fire to meditate on and burn. Picked a section of weeds today and put them in the second tire composter. It is almost full and I need to cover them so that mosquitoes don't have a field day in them. I will go to the taxi company and see if they want to give me more tires for my composting or if they don't want to talk with me. It is to their benefit to give me tires so they don't have to haul them away at a buck twenty five each. Considering what I have in my front yard I may very well need to make three more piles of tires to take care of the compost material that I already have.

Dad, Kim and Connie called and wished us a happy Easter. I guess that Peggy called her mom this morning so that was good too. Cho is surrounded by loving people at church and she really loves it. She is so loving back. She didn't want to go today but with a little chiding on my part she dressed us nicely and I told her how beautiful she looked. My neighbors are partying tonight and are loud but power to them. They are having a great time. Sorry that Christ is not in their lives but that is not my problem right now. Maybe later I can show them the God of their understanding so that they can be encompassed in a love eternal.

April 3 2010

Today I started my job at Pizza Hut as a delivery driver. What a rush. There is so much going on there that it is like the game area at a carnival. The one big hangup I encountered was all the customers calling out of our "new" territory and we had to redirect them to a closer Pizza Hut site. Besides that I went on about 5 deliverys and messed up about 10 phone calls and will be called back on Monday to see when I will work again.

Then I went to Jim Hunt's 80th birthday party at Cagney's Restaurant. I had the chicken and dumplings with french fries and onion rings with unsweetened ice tea and a slice of carrot cake. I will have to bring my wife to Cagneys again because they have improved from the last time I went there. It is about the same price as K&W Cafeteria and the food is good too. Maybe a bit more expensive because of the tip but actually maybe about the same. 10 - 20 % here and there.

In the morning I cleaned out a portion of the weeds in my front lawn and side lawn of my garage. Putting the waste into the tire barrels that I have by the back fence. I will go ask about getting some more tires from the taxi company so I can compost more weeds. I will need to find something to put on top of the tires to eliminate mosquitoes. I don't know if garbage bags will go over a tire or not. If not then duck tape the plastic bags on top.

I was thinking of turning my radio from political comentary to the religious stations so that I have something positive to listen to. If that doesn't work then I can run an extension cord and conncect a CD player and listen to my learning tapes and sermon tapes to listen to. The political commentaries turn my guts to naseum. Sometimes I will listen to them to hear about positions on different situations but mostly it is just like Tony Mercurio says - it is a show.

Took Cho on a car trip and bought some seed starter mix at Garden in a Flower Pot. Then I planted a few seeds - nine different types of seeds. So we will see what grows and what doesn't. Added to the garden I already have it is quite a collection. I have discovered that weed pulling doesn't have to be an exact science. You pull the big ones and keep on moving. My perrinieals are apprearing and it is because I am pulling up the covering weeds.

Learned from Liz about home-church because the mainstream churches are just not covering the basics. They are not covering the Bible truths and are slanted one way or the other. Found that very interesting. When they actually go to a church they go visit various churches. Liz is also into home-schooling and that is another separationist ideaology. This is becoming more and more of an underground movement. The public schools are not teaching our children correctly and we need to do it ourselves. It was the first time that I had an intellectual discussion with AA members. It was refreshing.